Florida
Forever.

TAMPA — State troopers arrested Chester Williams, 52, after he attempted to bypass a toll plaza using a trebuchet-style catapult he built in his backyard. The launch was partially successful, sending Williams approximately 40 feet through the air before landing in a decorative hedge. When questioned, Williams insisted he was “making a statement about government…

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PENSACOLA — Store employees were shocked to discover a man had been secretly living in the attic of a local Walmart, complete with a makeshift bedroom, mini-fridge (stolen from electronics), and an impressive collection of beef jerky. The man, identified as Robert “Bobby” Jenkins, 45, had tapped into the store’s electrical system and had been…

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MIAMI — A robbery attempt went sideways when 38-year-old Kevin Hartwell entered a Wells Fargo branch holding a 3-foot alligator and shouting “This is a robbery, this gator will bite!” Witnesses report the alligator appeared “confused and uninterested,” eventually performing what the police report describes as “a lazy barrel roll” before falling asleep. Hartwell was…

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ORLANDO — A bizarre case of alleged wildlife weaponization came to an end when police arrested Martin Henderson, 29, for training neighborhood squirrels to harass his ex-girlfriend. Henderson allegedly used a system of peanut butter rewards to condition the rodents to swarm her car every morning. His attorney argues the squirrels are “independent contractors” and…

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FORT MYERS — What started as a territorial dispute in a retention pond ended with an unlikely friendship. Local resident Dale Whitmore, 41, engaged in a 15-minute battle with a 6-foot alligator using only an inflatable pool noodle and “pure adrenaline.” After successfully defending his claimed “swimming hole,” Whitmore reportedly felt bad and began leaving…

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JACKSONVILLE — Deputies responded to a frantic 911 call from a local man reporting a theft of “approximately $400 worth of property.” Upon arrival, the man explained someone had broken into his shed and stolen his cannabis plants. When officers explained they couldn’t file a theft report for illegal substances, the man demanded to speak…

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