Florida
Forever.

TALLAHASSEE — State archivists were horrified to discover that a janitor had been systematically replacing historical documents in the state archives with elaborate hand-drawn forgeries “to make history more interesting.” Leonard “Lenny” Briggs, 58, had been working as a night janitor at the Florida State Archives for seven years when curators noticed something odd about…

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SARASOTA — Animal control officers and the Coast Guard teamed up to rescue a man who had been stranded on a floating island made entirely of pool noodles for five days after his “genius transportation idea” went horribly wrong. Derek Callahan, 29, had constructed what he called “The S.S. Foam Dream” using approximately 800 pool…

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ORLANDO — Health inspectors shut down a restaurant after discovering the owner had been replacing all menu items with increasingly elaborate gas station food he claimed was “artisanal street cuisine.” Marcus “Chef Marco” Henderson, 41, had been running “La Petite Convenience” for three months, charging upscale prices for reheated 7-Eleven taquitos ($18), gas station hot…

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ST. PETERSBURG — Code enforcement officers discovered a sprawling pillow fort empire spanning three residential properties after neighbor complaints about “suspicious construction” and “an unusual amount of blanket deliveries.” Brandon Mitchell, 33, had allegedly been building what he called “Fort Awesome Supreme” for the past eight months, using over 2,000 pillows, 500 sheets, and an…

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CLEARWATER BEACH — Wildlife officers and local police teamed up to arrest Timothy “Timbo” Fletcher, 44, after discovering he had trained a squad of squirrels to pickpocket tourists at Clearwater Beach. Fletcher’s operation came to light when beachgoers reported an unusual number of squirrels approaching them, not for food, but apparently targeting wallets, purses, and…

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ORLANDO — Theme park security detained a man after he was discovered attempting to replace himself with an elaborate cardboard cutout at his office job while spending his workday riding roller coasters. Gerald Patterson, 38, a regional sales manager for a software company, had constructed a life-sized cardboard replica of himself, complete with a recorded…

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