Florida Man Replaces Himself with Cardboard Cutout at Work, Spends Days Riding Roller Coasters

ORLANDO — Theme park security detained a man after he was discovered attempting to replace himself with an elaborate cardboard cutout at his office job while spending his workday riding roller coasters. Gerald Patterson, 38, a regional sales manager for a software company, had constructed a life-sized cardboard replica of himself, complete with a recorded loop of him saying “working hard on those quarterly reports” and an automated arm that moved a computer mouse every few minutes. “The setup was actually pretty impressive,” admitted his supervisor, Karen Wheeler. “The cardboard Gerald had a Bluetooth speaker that played typing sounds and occasional sighs. It fooled us for three days.” Patterson’s scheme unraveled when a coworker noticed the cardboard cutout’s coffee cup never emptied and its tie was painted on. A subsequent investigation revealed Patterson had been purchasing a season pass to every major theme park in Central Florida and riding roller coasters during business hours while clocked in remotely. “I logged over 47 hours of coaster time this month,” Patterson proudly told security. “The cardboard me had perfect attendance. I don’t see what the problem is.” According to park records, Patterson had ridden Space Mountain 127 times, developed a rating system for different seats on the Hulk coaster, and had been attempting to break what he called “the sacred record” of most consecutive rides without getting off. Theme park staff had grown suspicious when Patterson arrived every day at 9 AM sharp, laptop bag in hand, and immediately sprinted to the nearest roller coaster. “We thought he was just really enthusiastic,” said ride operator Tommy Marks. When confronted with evidence of his cardboard doppelgänger, Patterson argued that he was “technically present” since the cutout was “representing his physical form in space.” He also claimed the arrangement had actually improved his productivity because “the cardboard me doesn’t take bathroom breaks.” Patterson has been terminated from his position and banned from all theme parks for 90 days. His cardboard replacement has been offered a position in the company’s lobby as a conversation piece. No criminal charges have been filed, though Patterson’s employer is considering a lawsuit for “fraudulent representation by cardboard.”