Florida Man Replaces Himself with Cardboard Cutout at Work, Spends Days Riding Roller Coasters

<p>ORLANDO — Theme park security detained a man after he was discovered attempting to replace himself with an elaborate cardboard cutout at his office job while spending his workday riding roller coasters.</p> <p>Gerald Patterson, 38, a regional sales manager for a software company, had constructed a life-sized cardboard replica of himself, complete with a recorded loop of him saying &#8220;working hard on those quarterly reports&#8221; and an automated arm that moved a computer mouse every few minutes.</p> <p>&#8220;The setup was actually pretty impressive,&#8221; admitted his supervisor, Karen Wheeler. &#8220;The cardboard Gerald had a Bluetooth speaker that played typing sounds and occasional sighs. It fooled us for three days.&#8221;</p> <p>Patterson&#8217;s scheme unraveled when a coworker noticed the cardboard cutout&#8217;s coffee cup never emptied and its tie was painted on. A subsequent investigation revealed Patterson had been purchasing a season pass to every major theme park in Central Florida and riding roller coasters during business hours while clocked in remotely.</p> <p>&#8220;I logged over 47 hours of coaster time this month,&#8221; Patterson proudly told security. &#8220;The cardboard me had perfect attendance. I don&#8217;t see what the problem is.&#8221;</p> <p>According to park records, Patterson had ridden Space Mountain 127 times, developed a rating system for different seats on the Hulk coaster, and had been attempting to break what he called &#8220;the sacred record&#8221; of most consecutive rides without getting off.</p> <p>Theme park staff had grown suspicious when Patterson arrived every day at 9 AM sharp, laptop bag in hand, and immediately sprinted to the nearest roller coaster. &#8220;We thought he was just really enthusiastic,&#8221; said ride operator Tommy Marks.</p> <p>When confronted with evidence of his cardboard doppelgänger, Patterson argued that he was &#8220;technically present&#8221; since the cutout was &#8220;representing his physical form in space.&#8221; He also claimed the arrangement had actually improved his productivity because &#8220;the cardboard me doesn&#8217;t take bathroom breaks.&#8221;</p> <p>Patterson has been terminated from his position and banned from all theme parks for 90 days. His cardboard replacement has been offered a position in the company&#8217;s lobby as a conversation piece.</p> <p>No criminal charges have been filed, though Patterson&#8217;s employer is considering a lawsuit for &#8220;fraudulent representation by cardboard.&#8221;</p>