satireDispatch Filed: Jul 4, 2026
Gelatinous Freedom: Family Pool Transformed Into Giant Patriotic Dessert
Local EPA representatives investigate after 3,000 gallons of cherry, berry blue, and lemon Jell-O attract every raccoon in the county.
# The Red, White, and Blue Swim Basin
A homeowner's plan to throw the ultimate patriotic pool party went sticky this week when he filled his entire above-ground pool with layered red, white, and blue gelatin.
The project required over 15,000 boxes of powdered dessert mix and three industrial heating elements. While the initial result looked like a giant, wobbly American flag, the local ecosystem quickly took notice.
## The Raccoon invasion
Within hours of the gelatin setting, local wildlife descended upon the backyard. "We woke up to find about thirty raccoons swimming—or rather, crawling—through the blue layer," the homeowner said. "They were completely covered in cherry and blue raspberry. They looked like tiny patriots, but they were very sticky."
Cleaning the pool is expected to take several weeks and a lot of warm water.
*Satire Disclosure: This story is a work of satire and parody. FLORIDAMAN.AI content is fictional and not intended to deceive.*
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