Key West Commuter Arrested for Attempting to Saddle Sea Cow in Publix Channel

# Marine Commuting: The Next Green Frontier Key West highway traffic is notoriously congested, but one local resident believed he found the ultimate alternative transit route: the saltwater canal leading directly behind the local supermarket deli counter. ## The Traffic Stop Officers with the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission intercepted Brendan "Salty" O'Connor as he attempted to navigate the canal astride a wild manatee using a weed-whacker harness and a reusable canvas tote. "He's a sea cow," O'Connor told reporting deputies. "You ride land cows. It's simple geometry. The manatee was already heading toward the deli for discarded cabbage." ## Official Charges 1. **Molestation of a Marine Mammal**: Attempting to treat a protected sirenian like a personal watercraft. 2. **Improper Navigation Lights**: Operating a manatee without registered bow lights after dusk. 3. **Pub-Sub Solicitation**: Attempting to pay the animal with crusts from a whole Italian five-grain sub. Publix officials declined to confirm whether their loading dock would support future marine mammal carpool lanes. > **Satire Disclosure:** A satirical parody. Manatees are federally protected gentle giants—never touch or ride wild manatees.